Looking back into the darkness
A baby story.
We were driving to my dad’s home in Miami, it was very late at night and sleepiness was certainly catching up with us. My sister and the baby were sleeping the in back of the minivan, and my husband and I were trying our best to stay awake. We chatted, or tried to chat, at least I was trying to talk to him… he thought it was best to sip on a caffeinated beverage.
It was a little more than 4 years after we had been married, and a few months after we had our first baby. We always loved our road trips, it was ‘our’ time, we could re-connect with each other, remember why we loved each other, it was our getaway. But, this was the first time with a baby, and ‘our’ time was now non-existent.
I talked and talked so much on that 3 hour, red-eye road trip from Orlando to Miami, it was almost a monologue. Nattering on about working, my theories on life, religion, people, until finally I settled on the topic of university and reminded myself of how we met. Suddenly my head became so clear, almost, you know, like inhaling some Vicks vapor rub!
The past year flashed before my eyes and I realized that we were living a lie, we were pretending to have a marriage, I had not told him that I loved him in months… and I could not tell him because until that very moment, I actually thought that I hated him. There were times that he repulsed me, I could not stop criticizing his every action, I constantly complained about my hard times with the baby, I didn’t care if he was hurt, I just didn’t notice him. I only lived with him because someone had to help me with ‘our’ baby!
Life for him was a nightmare, he tells me now he was on the verge of leaving me. I didn’t notice his pain until that moment in the van, when I started to feel love in my heart again; I looked up at him and finally noticed the hurt he had been carrying. I felt like I was going to burst with emotion, I said I was sorry, I said that I didn’t know what had happened to me, I said everything that came to my mind, but he just stared at me, almost numb.
We did reconnect soon after that. But it was short lived. History almost repeated itself.
During my second pregnancy, I hated my body, I thought my husband was not interested in me at all, I spent 2 months in the hospital before I gave birth to my second son and I tried my best not to show any emotion. When I finally got home, I was secretly very depressed; I was struggling with my weight and my appearance. I had already put on 40lbs with my first son, and now I could hardly recognize myself. That, with the added effects of my fluctuating hormones gave me a severe self esteem problem. I projected all my negative feelings onto my husband, and I saved the best parts of me for my kids.
Our marriage again almost ended. I assumed that I was successful in convincing those around us that everything was ok, and I think that I also convinced myself that everything was ok. We eventually lost each other. We fell into routines with the kids, life was exhausting, work was never-ending, and pretending to be in love was certainly taking a toll on our emotional well-being.
Before life became completely unbearable, God had mercy on us. I managed to look deep into my heart, past my insecurities and fears, and I found some love in there! Seriously! It was not all gone, as I had thought. I forgot about being an over-weight mother for a moment, I forgot about instructing my husband on how to be a perfect dad, I forgot about my feelings that I was an unattractive wife. I had to just forget about every unpleasant thought that was making my mind foggy.
Usually in postpartum depression articles, I had always encountered discussions about sadness, and anger towards the new baby, and suicidal thoughts… I however did not experience any of that. I thought that I felt normal; I honestly did, at the time I did not notice that I was falling apart. It was hard to realize that I had become consumed with my self, obsessed with my declining attractiveness, engrossed in my self-pity, and was completely struggling with my self-esteem.
My husband did not know how to deal with what I had become, again. Both he and I did not know the signs. We did not think that this was a psychological problem. He developed his own coping mechanism. I immersed myself into a myriad of different projects to keep my mind busy. The kids were never neglected. The kids got our complete love and attention. Postpartum is only about neglecting your baby, or having anger towards your baby, I was ill-informed, I thought this had nothing to do with postpartum, and I was in fact sure that my husband had fallen out of love with me, was patronizing me when he said that he still found me attractive, and was outright lying when he said that he adored only me.
Three times a charm? The third baby came with many blessings, and we finally got things right. (Thank God). He was supportive. Supportive at the right times, and just the right amount so I did not feel suffocated. He was loving. Loving all the time, but not over-bearing. He was patient. As he always is with me.
If I had to advise any new father, it would be to be supportive, loving, and patient, not too suffocate and don’t be overbearing, towards your wife. And make her feel special everyday. And to any new mother, I would say “sometimes the darkness goes away all by itself, and sometimes we have to chase it away, but please don’t let it find a place to settle”.
